Worst Movies of 2009

Everybody talks about some of the best movies of this past year and yeah-there were a few standouts. "District 9," "The Hurt Locker," "Avatar," "Up," "Up in the Air" and "Precious: Based on the Novel PUSH by Sapphire" were some of the highlights that immediately come to mind. However there were some real bad ones too. I usually wait until my annual 'Top 10 Worst Movies' article comes out this Friday but well...couldn't wait, had to share. This is an annual event and believe me it was difficult holding it to a ten-movie limit. That’s why I have a Dishonorable Mention category because there are some that just need to be recognized for their lack of accomplishment. Not only did I lose a total of 180 hours (that I’ll never get back) of watching horrible movies this past year but also knowing in advance a movie was going to be un-watchable and still be objective. Some movies you already know are going to suck hard just by the actors in it or who wrote it. After years of doing this kind of thing trust me you get like a built-in ‘bad movie’ scent that tries to warn you in advance not to enter the theater. Sometimes I’m pleasantly surprised especially when I movie is so bad it becomes like this midnight cult type of flick sort of like watching an Ed Wood movie. Just like in years past the only redeeming reward I get is in addition to warning you not to watch these but also rename these as to what they should have been called. Here’s to hoping that 2010 will give us a much better year and if not I may have to expand my category.

Howie’s Annual Top 10 Worst Movies of 2009


1) All About Steve (should have been titled Sandra’s Tax Write Off, Speed 3 or Erases Any Gains made from The Blind Side)
This may take top honors at The Razzies in just about every category. Sandra Bullock had a food role in ’09 with “The Blind Side” (and so-so one in “The Proposal”) so hopefully the Academy will overlook this mess of a plot that gives comedy a bad name. The movie is disturbing and a reminder that even women no matter how hot they are sometimes requires a restraining order. She also gives those who enjoy playing crossword puzzles a bad name.

2) Bride Wars (should have been titled Holy Whores or Give Grooms a Break)
Just like financial institutions such as AIG or Bank of America getting bonuses with taxpayer money while the rest of us suffer releasing “Bride Wars” was in bad taste showing how inconsiderate the studio heads can be considering the economic year we just had. And just like 2009’s DOW Industrial Average and massive foreclosures this movie too should have been scrapped before it was even released. When you consider that this was the first big-budgeted studio movie released in 2009 at about the same time the stimulus money was being released by Washington this movie could have easily been a good contender for a bailout. Starring Anne Hathaway and Kate Hudson (who also co-produced) I’m beginning to think that any movie with Hudson in it is best saved for DVD hopefully with special features to show why someone gave the green light for this movie to be made in the first place. I guess “Fool’s Gold” wasn’t embarrassing enough for Hudson she had to achieve her goal of one that was worst and she succeeded. Owen (Wilson) if you’re reading this it’s not worth taking your life over Kate Hudson okay? At the rate she’s going her career will be killed off shortly (although taking a supporting role in “Nine” may save her).

3) Pink Panther 2 (should have been titled Stinks Like #2 or Why Was There a Pink Panther #1?)
Why do they have to remake a Peter Sellers classic? Does anyone out there REALLY believe they can top him? And a sequel? Wasn't it bad enough the first time out in 2006 that Steve Martin (who greatly admired Sellers) would remake his movie? It just proves that if the receipts warrant it (and Steve got paid on the back end) then why not I guess? I mean here he is co-hosting this year’s Oscars (with Alec Baldwin) and he’ll have plenty to joke about just from being in this flick! I mean c’mon Steve even your French accent is horrid and did you ever hope to be a better Inspector Clouseau than Peter Sellers? That would be like calling Dane Cook a wild and crazy guy.

4) Ghosts of Girlfriends Past (should have been titled Transparent Now, Death Warmed Over or Why I Became Gay Instead)
Just when you thought remakes were a cheap way to make a buck from the land of little original imagination comes a movie based on (of all things) Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol. Is it just me or does anyone see a pattern here of movies that aren’t funny, based on remakes and making the top ten worst movies of 2009? Hmmmm. Matthew McConaughey (who also appeared with “Bride Wars” co-star Kate Hudson in “Fool’s Gold”) must re-evaluate his movie making decision process unless he wants to be labeled as the actor to make multiple unfunny movies guy. It’s rather ironic that he plays the guy who badmouths anyone wanting to get married (including his younger brother (Breckin Meyer) who is about to tie the knot and Kate Hudson is in a movie about two girlfriends who basically try to out do each other with their nuptials and here they both are in my worst movie selection! Completing the cast we get the respected Michael Douglas playing McConaughey’s uncle Wayne (who is pretty much an older version of his nephew) who reminded him that playing the field was always the only way to go. Too bad they just didn’t get together to do another “Romancing the Stone” or something instead. Dickens is still rolling around in his crypt.


5) Did You Hear About the Morgans? (should have been titled Did You Hear How Bad This Movie Is? or Sex And the City Gone Bad in the Country)
Yet another romantic comedy that just went south or in this case relocated to the rugged north via Wyoming. With a cast that includes Hugh Grant and Sarah Jessica Parker and requisite country backwoods types Sam Elliot, Mary Steenburgen and Wilford Brimley (hello typecasting) “Did You Hear About the Morgans?” centers around a familiar story of rich city couple Meryl and Paul Morgan (Parker, Grant) who have a great life but a crappy marriage. What could possibly get them back into that loving spirit? I know how about witnessing a murder and then having a contract out on their lives? And then let’s relocate them ala the Witness Protection Program where they can see real wildlife? Hmmm city folk transposed into the rugged wilderness where they see real wildlife for the first time and no shopping outlets? I think the television show back in the 60s, “Green Acres” sort of covered this territory. Oh sure there are more computer gadgets and bigger mountains but the jokes here were not only way predictable but must have been written by that guy that played the banjo in “Deliverance.” Yee haw everybody!

6) I Hate Valentine’s Day (should have been titled I Hated This Movie or Guess My Big Fat Greek Wedding Was a Fluke)
Nia Vardalos and John Corbett team up once again hoping to rekindle some of that “Greek Wedding” magic. Oops. Just like her ill-fated TV show based on “Greek Wedding” that sank faster than an AIG popularity poll not a good idea Here we get not only the ultimate ‘chick flick’ designed to turn off any hope for guys to maybe change their opinion but yet another excuse to rent sci-fi flicks continuously instead of watching how alienated this movie treats the male population. Nia plays Genevieve Gernier who owns a flower shop and Corbett plays Greg Gatlin whose restaurant is nearby. Genevieve and her gal pals have this ‘five dates only’ rule when it comes to dating limiting them to five dates with a man to avoid a relationship. Yawn. Hey Nia I have a ‘five movie only’ rule which means when you come out with one more movie (your “Connie and Carla” & “My Life in Ruins” was pretty pathetic girl) I get to walk out on it okay?


7) Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li (should have been titled The Chinese Urban Legend on How to Vomit or Some Ideas Are Just Best Left at the Video Game Level)
Further proof that the economy has stalled is this movie. Can you bailout bad writing and lack of any originality? I still can’t believe that a studio bankrolled this. I would have loved to have been at that pitch meeting. “Okay studio heads our demographics show that prepubescent boys love warriors with special powers and making a movie based on this video game would mean at the very least we would get our investment back. Oh sure we’ll lose any integrity that we have but let’s look at the bottom line okay? Even if it does tank at the box office (it did) we can recoup our losses in the DVD rentals/sales plus think of the free added publicity we’ll get when we’re nominated for a Razzie for in the Worst Everything category!” Sigh…..


8) Miss March (should have been titled Missed the Point or Even a Hot Bod Can’t Save this Month)
Even with the very attractive Raquel Alessi “Miss March” really reflects the guys who wrote and directed this. I don’t think they’ve still scored so why not write a movie about their experience? Co-directed and co-written by the inept team of Zach Cregger and Trevor Moore the story centers around Eugene (Zach Cregger) who in high school is set to have sex with his virgin (still? In high school?) girlfriend, Cindy (Alessi) but an unfortunate accident leaves him in a coma for four years. He wakes up only to find that his former sweetheart has made centerfold in Playboy Magazine (yes Hugh Hefner appears). Roadtrip to see if she’ll deliver the goods awaits! Unfortunately for the rest of us we’re still in a coma from watching this.



9) The Trouble with Romance (should have been titled The Trouble with this Movie is the Script or Some Couples Need to be Taken off Suicide Watch)
Right off the bat this is a cheap (or tries to be) knock-off of a Neil Simon story. While ensemble pieces are always more interesting to be a part this movie ruins that joy. Usually if one storyline is weak you have several others to prop the movie up but in this case all four couples in this movie are boring and nobody cares about them or their problems. Oh sure they all have some form of dysfunctional behavior but don’t we all? The actors here play it to the extreme hoping that the occasional shock value will create a funnier situation but all it does it make you wish this was a ten-minute short instead of a feature length piece of rubbish. I think in part the idea that this was written by three writers (Gene Rhee, Sharri Hefner, Mike Su) is part of the reason. It’s almost as if they were trying to out do one another showing whose life was screwed up the most. Well, they should all be proud that they made my highly coveted annual list so we’re all winners (or losers in this case).


10) Land of the Lost (should have been titled Land of Misdirection, Lost Without a Plot or What Happened to Elf?)
Memo to Will Ferrell: Will what happened? Usually the unexpected, often improvised sketches and you looking perplexed about it all works and is very funny. Sigh…..This time out your movie’s title lived up to the rest of this body of work. It was bad enough paying homage to yet another television show from the last century and turning it into a movie but did you have to improvise the entire script? There’s barely enough humor here to post on your ‘Funny or Die’ site let alone to make an entire movie. Maybe because you weren’t involved in the writing this movie just sucked? Hope 2010 is funnier for you. I need to go now and dust off my copy of “Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy” and try to see if I can recapture the Will Ferrell I remember who was hilarious.

Dishonorable Mention:

G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra
Friday the 13th (2009)
Beyond a Reasonable Doubt
Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel
Whiteout